Yesterday evening, as my wife and I were beginning to unpack the day and forage through the refrigerator for whatever leftovers we could scrounge together for dinner and as our three-year-old son, Zachary was once again finding himself mesmerized by his new favorite show, "Paw Patrol," Debra shared with me this piece of news:"I talked to Zach's teacher today," she started, "evidently another boy hit him today."
While disappointing and somewhat disconcerting, this was not the first time an incident like this has happened since he has been at his current school. It seems like every couple of weeks he is either getting hit or bit by another boy (or girl). We have been searching for ways to try to get this problem somewhat reconciled with his teacher and the administrators, but when it's one teacher and a whole bunch of 3-year-old children, there's only so much you can do. So, this news by itself was not all that troubling or surprising, what was troubling was what came next:
"And Zachary hit him back."
This news hit me (forgive the expression) hard. This was the first time I could remember hearing news that Zachary had retaliated in this way. It was surprising to me to learn of this because Zach is an altogether super sweet kid. He is not one that is all that rough when he plays and is not one to get violent or destructive when he gets angry with Debra or I. Generally when he gets mad (which isn't all that often) he will either curl up into a "limp noodle" or will attempt to ignore whatever it is we are trying to tell him. Very rarely have I seen him act out in a way that could even be considered physical.
This news was disappointing to me because we, as pastors who believe in following the example of Jesus, have done our very best to teach Zach the way of non-violence and the way of peace. We do not watch shows on television that could be considered violent (Chiefs and TCU football not withstanding), he does not own any toy guns, swords, or the like, he is not spanked by either Debra or I, and the common expression around our house in those times when he does get angry is, "Hugs not Hits." This approach is one that we both believe in very strongly and it is one that, for the most part, seems to work.
But what about those times, like yesterday, when the lessons of peace and the example on non-violence is unheeded? What about those times when the desire of one to live in peace bumps up against the very real human condition and the intrinsic desire to retaliate and to "get even"?
As a parent, in that moment there in our kitchen as I learned that my son had gotten into his first "fight," a myriad of thoughts and questions began to run through my brain. "Have we done something wrong?" "Is there something going on with Zach?" "Did the other kid 'deserve' it?" "What now?"
Understanding that we had to respond to this in some way, we summoned Zach away from watching the "Paw Patrol" rescue a kitten who had been washed out to sea on a toy boat, and we asked him what had happened. To be honest, I was not really expecting him to be able to formulate much of a response. Often when we ask him what he did at school he says, "nothing," or perhaps, "ate dinner." But amazingly enough, he could recount the whole incident in pretty specific detail. Which of course brought to mind a whole new question, "why do we remember things like this, but not always the good teaching moments that happen throughout our day?"
After he recounted the experience to us, we told him the only thing we knew to say, "we do not hit, when that happens you walk away and tell a teacher."
Perhaps this was not the "right" response, perhaps there were (are) better ways to react when you hear that your firstborn son, who is only three years of age had, if for only a moment, resorted to his most primal instincts and lashed out against another child. It was a struggle for Debra and I to determine there on the spot what our response to Zachary would be. We believe in Jesus' example of "turning the other cheek," but, of course, like all parents, we want our son to be able to stand up for himself and to not allow other children to take advantage of his peacefulness. We, like him, had only a moment to respond to what had happened, and we had to make a decision. What else could we do?
How do you really explain the path of non-violence to a young child anyway? How do you explain it to grown-ups? Forget non-violence for a second, and tell me how we explain violence? How do we explain the destructiveness that violence and retaliation brings to both ourselves and to those around us? So many times a peaceful way of life does not make sense and flies in the face of both what our society tells us is normal and the animalistic instincts that exist within each and every one of us. How do we explain to our child that when someone hurts them, the proper response is to not attempt to "get even?" How do we explain that there are other forms of justice, even within the world of three year olds?
Perhaps more importantly, how do we as parents, set and live the example we want our children to follow? How do we help them see that choosing to live in peace with those around us is the most faithful and authentic demonstration of what strength truly is?
These are the questions that are on my heart today. The events of yesterday are long since forgotten in the mind of Zach. Today is a new day. He woke up, ate his waffle, enjoyed a new (finally!) episode of "Paw Patrol" and happily trotted into his classroom. And this morning as I watched him interact with another smiling little boy (perhaps the one who hit him?) I thought to myself,
"Maybe I do not have much to teach him about living in peace after all....perhaps instead he has a few lessons he could teach me."
